We decided to visit Gullivers Kingdom in Matlock, Bath. Matlock is a lovely town, a picturesque village at the foot of some fantastic hills. It’s home to ‘the heights of Abraham’ an expensive cable car from the bottom of the village to the top of a cliff, and back down. It’s also home to an impressive high street, that consists of: Chip shop – amusement arcade – pub – pub – old shop selling overpriced tat – pub – chip shop – amusement arcade – aquarium – pub – chip shop – Ice cream shop – chip shop – pub.The above isn’t necessarily a bad thing as it makes you feel like you are at the seaside, albeit one without a beach, and in the middle of Derbyshire.
Like all seasides there are fairground rides, and these are housed in ‘Gulliver’s Kingdom’ a theme park specifically aimed at children. This is the most bizarre place, as because it’s designed for children, there are obviously going to be a lot of parents there, and where there are parents, there are buggies. So what better location for a theme park for children, than sloping down a very VERY steep mountain. Which was bad news for Lisa, becuase she has to push the pushchair due to my gammy arm (car crash, remember?).
The rides on offer are the standard fare for children, and both Elizabeth Kirsty loved it. For adults though, it’s a bit of a nightmare.
Highlight of the day was finding a ride housed in a castle courtyard with a sign outside warning of ‘a high-octane turbulent ride. Not for people of nervous dispositions, bad back, heart trouble, pregnancy blah blah’. At last, a ride for adults, I believe, and into the courtyard I go.
Once inside, I hit the queue. The queue lets in 17 people every 15 minutes. Luckily we’re near the front, and get to laugh at the major groaning going on behind us. Once we get into the ride, we enter a living room type thing, which will eventually show us some special effect laden tale that precedes the ride. Only the spotty teenager who operates the ride mumbles “d’ya wanna hear the talking or just get on with the ride” before opening the door to the high-octane ride, not giving us much of a choice.
The ride turns out to be a simulator, in front of a mini-sized cinema screen in an ornate 1970’s style auditorium. So we buckle up, and away on a magical voyage to commodore 64 style graphic renditions of the pyramids of Egypt. Up above us we see stars, wonderful stars. Well 3 quarters of the stars that work are wonderful. Well, wonderful for LED lights! What’s that, fire in the auditorium? Aargh! Oh no, relax it’s a not-so special effect. A light bulb that’s red, and a bit of wind blowing a red bit of cloth. And it’s over. The simulator seats grind to a halt, and everyone has a severe look of “what the f…” before bursting out in pitiful laughter. Honestly, this must be the best ride ever, because it’s so bad. Lisa missed out because she waited with Elizabeth, oh how she missed out.
Next up we went into the caves, to have a bash at gold-panning, for gold (obviously), minerals, and sharks teeth. Kirsty asks "why are there shark teeth underground?".
As we got to the bottom of the kingdom, you can get on a cable car to the top. Kirsty and me got on one, Lisa and Elizabeth on the next. I looked back at the two of them, baby on mom’s lap, all smiles. Wonderful.
I reach the peak; me and Kirsty jump off and wait for the other two. When they pull in, the man operating the machine let’s rip at Lisa “you’re breaking every rule in the book having the baby on you’re lap. You are banned from this ride” as if she was a naughty schoolgirl. Does he honestly think Lisa would have her on her lap if it were dangerous?? Plus, it was actually the operator at the foot of the ride who loaded the two onto the chairlift, thus it was him who was in the wrong for doing so. If there was anyone to tell off, it was his rule-waiving ill-information giving colleague. I put in a complaint at the end, saying it marred the afternoon. I bet it gets ignored.
Before we left, Kirsty decided to see a ‘show’ featuring Fatz the Gorilla, and Mitzy, whom I presume to be a bear. Me, Lisa, and Elizabeth decided to wait outside. As we waited, we watched child after child after child leave the auditorium looking bemused, so I popped my head round the door to see what was going on. There were no humans in costumes in this show, just very shoddy animatronics, and disco lights, some of which didn’t work. Again, Kirsty thought it was great!
So, to sum up: Matlock – Interesting but you wouldn’t want to live there, or visit for longer than one hour. Gulliver’s Kingdom – Insanely designed and tatty for the adults, but bliss for the kids with mostly FRIENDLY staff, with the exception of a couple of absolute idiots, and some dodgy animatronics.
Normal day out then!
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